I admit, it's been a long time since I last posted. I simply never seem to be able to work up the time and motivation at the same time. I've been struggling with motivation a lot the last couple of months, along with my ever-present overpowering problem of procrastination. I have fallen short in many areas, and off of many bandwagons. I have failed at many of the goals I've set for myself. I've been happy by dint of ignoring these failures and deciding to be happy about other things. However, in the last couple of weeks discouragement has begun to set in. I've been unable to ignore my own shortcomings. Failures have loomed large, and I've begun to see the long range consequences of ignoring problems that seem to hard to fix. On Sunday I finally decided I could not fix my problems on my own (don't ask me why I didn't just remember that all along). I asked two good friends to give me a blessing. They came over and listened to my problems and commiserated with some of them. Then one offered a prayer for guidance, strength, and openness to the promptings of the Spirit. They placed their hands on my head, and the other friend gave me a blessing of comfort and advice. It felt wonderful, just like many blessings I've had before.
Despite this, I woke up the next morning, and all of my problems were not gone. I was still unmotivated to do the things that I had decided I needed to do. I still didn't understand the things I was struggling with. I continued to struggle for the rest of the week, and while there were slight improvements, it was nothing earth-shattering, it was no where near where I needed to be. I felt like a failure. It reminded me in a black way of the story in the scriptures of a woman who touches Jesus' clothes as he walks through a crowd. She is instantly healed of her disease, and when he speaks to her he says, "Thy faith hath made thee whole." Every time I read this verse or hear this story my response is "Why is my faith not enough?" I like to think that I have a pretty firm testimony of the Atonement, and Christ's power to heal me of all of my infirmities and imperfections (all of which I classify under grace) and yet I am not perfect. I still suffer from many of the same problems/imperfections that have plagued me as long as I can remember.
I love the concept of Grace. My favorite scripture in the Book of Mormon is Moroni 10:32-33
After reading the article I realized that while I will never be "good enough" that's ok because God doesn't expect me to be "good enough" he just expects me to try. My efforts are not counted or measured on a scale against good enough. This leads me to ask, "If I will never be measured against good enough, why do I try?" Why work to be different than I am now if grace will be sufficient? I found the answer in a story he told in the same talk. A friend of his asked if he had been saved by grace. He said of course. The real question is what he asked next. "Have you been changed by grace?" Now my goal is to allow grace to change me. I will continue to try to change things about myself that I want to change. But I will do it with the attitude that no matter how badly I fail or how well I succeed, no matter whether I feel like I'm improving by leaps and bounds or sliding back down a slippery slope, I am ok because the Grace of God is enough for me.
Despite this, I woke up the next morning, and all of my problems were not gone. I was still unmotivated to do the things that I had decided I needed to do. I still didn't understand the things I was struggling with. I continued to struggle for the rest of the week, and while there were slight improvements, it was nothing earth-shattering, it was no where near where I needed to be. I felt like a failure. It reminded me in a black way of the story in the scriptures of a woman who touches Jesus' clothes as he walks through a crowd. She is instantly healed of her disease, and when he speaks to her he says, "Thy faith hath made thee whole." Every time I read this verse or hear this story my response is "Why is my faith not enough?" I like to think that I have a pretty firm testimony of the Atonement, and Christ's power to heal me of all of my infirmities and imperfections (all of which I classify under grace) and yet I am not perfect. I still suffer from many of the same problems/imperfections that have plagued me as long as I can remember.
I love the concept of Grace. My favorite scripture in the Book of Mormon is Moroni 10:32-33
32. Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.
33. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.I thought I understood grace. After all, "it is by Grace that we are saved after all we can do." But still I continued to ask myself why I wasn't good enough. Where was I falling short that Christ was not yet willing to make up what I lacked? How much more did I have to do before I had done "all that I could"? When would my faith finally be enough to make me whole? I didn't realize consciously that in asking these questions not only was I questioning my worth, but I was misunderstanding the concept of Grace entirely. The realization came when I read a talk recommended by one of me friends who came to give me the blessing. I'll use an illustration from the talk to explain.
My View
Reality
Comments
http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/grace-and-gasoline-2-nephi-2523.html
Thanks for your insights!
Also, remember how much good you do in the world. You're certainly a true friend to me. :)
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