And Straight on 'Till Morning

I am terrible at setting goals. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I've gotten a little better, but not much. This year I want to make some New Years resolutions and actually follow through.

I can't get married right now. I can't make myself like the guy who likes me. I can't make the guy I like like me. I can't be a perfect student. I can't be a perfect friend. I can't know what's going to happen in my future. There are a lot of things that I can't do, but there's one thing I can do ... I can be happy.

So, a few weeks ago, I was in the library studying, when I realized it would be dark soon, so I packed up, and left. As I walked out the west doors, I saw a guy with a camera around his neck stand up from leaning on (or sitting in) one of the cement flower pots (these are big pots, as high as my hip or so). I noticed that he had something that looked like leaves sticking out of his back pocket, and I wondered if I should tell him. I was debating with myself as I walked towards him, and had just decided not to when he stopped me. "Can I stop you for a second?" he asked. I stopped, and he pulled a rose out of his back pocket and gave it to me. "This is for you. Have a wonderful evening." I said thank you, and he walked away. I was shocked that I'd just been handed a rose by a complete stranger. As I looked at the rose I saw that it had a paper tag taped to it that said, "Smile, Light begets Light, and you can Light up the darkness." On the back it sa...

To be completely honest, I've been having a hard week. I feel really silly saying that since I haven't been sick, I haven't had any classes (test week), and nothing bad has happened to me. It's just that lately I've been having a really hard time motivating myself, and that has been making me feel bad about myself. I have a hard time getting up in the mornings now, I have a hard time starting to study, and I have a hard time concentrating on my studies. I've just been having a hard time getting motivated/remembering to do all the things I'm supposed to do. For example: calling my boss to set up my schedule for this week, going to the temple, studying for my tests, taking my tests, eating broccoli, and a host of other little things that I can't think of right now. I really don't know what's come over me. I've had times like this before, but never this long or debilitating. I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself I need to just buck ...

I've been sick for the better part of the week. You may or may not know that I rarely get sick, and when I do it's terrible. This time was no exception. But, I'll save you the whole sob story, and just share this. You know how people always ask "How are you?", but you know it's just a formality, and they don't really want to know how you're doing. Well, I've gotten that a lot since getting sick, and I've generally answered the requisite "Fine" or "Great" or "Good" although the strangely deep, gravelly tone of my voice should give away the fact that I'm not. What I've wanted to say is more along these lines... "My throat feels like it's full of sand or gravel or broken glass. My ears feel like I just went up in an airplane. I'm exhausted. I have to pee every twenty minutes because I'm drinking so much water. I wash my hands so often that they're raw. It looks like I'm wearing red g...

I've started carrying my camera around with me all the time. I take pictures of things that make me laugh, things that inspire me, and things I think are pretty. I'd like to share a few pictures I've taken in the last week or so. My audit professor has a strange sense of humor. He puts up this kind of list pretty often while we do quizzes. Army Man! On a fire alarm in the Tanner building. Ok, so the picture he's comparing himself to doesn't really work, but don't you think he looks a little bit like Brad Pitt? I certainly did the first time I met him.

Just what I needed. : )

I went on a walk after the second session of conference today, and I took my camera. Here are some of the things I saw.

Not My Fingernails I know what you're all thinking. "Fingernails? Why on earth would she write a post about fingernails. Maybe it's not really about fingernails. What analogy could she be making with fingernails?" Well, let me put your thoughts at ease, I am writing a post about fingernails, no weird analogies, but you'll just have to read it to find out why. And now I'm going to confuse you even more because my story doesn't even start with fingernails. I have had terrible acne all my life. To compound that fact, I have a terrible habit of picking my acne. Popping zits, squeezing pimples, picking scabs, you name it I've probably done it. Recently I've had a nasty break out that just won't go away. In talking to people I decided that in order to make it go away I would have to stop picking. In order to try to get myself to stop I cut my fingernails short. Not just short, but to the quick short. And then I filed them slanted backwards to re...

... Barely. I'm still alive and kicking, but I spend a LOT of time doing homework. In fact I spend so much time doing homework that it leaves little time for anything else including, dancing, hanging out with roommates, reading, watching movies, or writing on my blog. I'll try to tell more about my crazy wonderful life later. Maybe... when I have more time. Sorry...

I am officially home. Well, I've been home for about a week and a half now. It is SO wonderful to be home. I was so happy to be able to drive up to Meridian with my Aunt Shannon for the Esplin Sister's reunion. I loved seeing my family. Some highlights: I saw Harry Potter 7b with Carli; I went thrifting with my mom, aunts, and a couple of cousins; I saw the Taming of the Shrew at the Idaho Shakespeare Festival with more aunts and cousins; and I had some really good conversations with a lot of people. Then we came back to Utah, and I've been slowly getting ready for school to start and settling into my new apartment. I am so happy here. I love how I feel, and I can't wait for all the new experiences. Although I regularly say that I'm very nervous and a little excited. Luckily for those around me I don't break out into a song called "Nervous but Excited!" (Name that youtube video?) I'll try to post during the semester, but my schedule is looking craz...

I love ya tomorrow! You're only 23 hours away!  That's right, I'm going home. In 23 hours and a swiftly dwindling number of minutes, I will be back in Utah. In less than 72 hours I will be home in Idaho. I am a little sad to be leaving, but I am ecstatic to be going home. Tomorrow morning I'll leave our house for the last time at about 6:45am catch a bus to Belize City, a taxi to the airport, and then get on a plane bound for Atlanta. Then on to Salt Lake City! At 9:01pm I will happily stand back on familiar ground. I can't wait to see all of my family and friends that I've missed so much! Not long now ...

I just watched a movie called "It's Kind of a Funny Story." It's about this kid who is clinically depressed, but instead of committing suicide one Sunday morning he checks himself into the hospital. They put him in the adult psychiatry ward because the youth ward is undergoing renovations. He's there for five days, and meets a lot of people. While he's there he makes special friends with a guy named Bob, and another 16 year old named Noelle. He also gets to know a lot of the other patients, and helps several of them improve. The most important thing that happens while he's there is that he learns. He learns a lot about himself, and what he wants to do and be. He also learns about life. My favorite quote from the movie is actually quoting a Bob Dylan song. “He who is not busy being born is busy dying.” I really like this quote in a lot of ways. There's the obvious fact that this is the best way to live, but there's more to it as well. It obviously w...

Well, not quite yet, but sooner than I thought originally. I just though I'd let everybody know that I've decided to come home a week early. Instead of coming home on the 24th I'll be coming home on the 17th. This means I get to go home for a couple of days and see my family, attend my mom's sisters reunion (for the first time!), and not be as stressed out as I prepare to start school again on the 29th. I'm sad to be leaving Belize, but I'm also really excited to be home in Idaho and in Provo. I'm also very excited to be starting school again. I got into the accounting program at BYU, and I'll be starting the Junior core this fall. It's going to be a lot of work, but worth every minute.

A few months ago I wrote a post in tribute to my mom. You can read about that here . However, today is fathers day, and I'd like to write about my dad. Daddy I have started this paragraph and erased it again half a dozen times. I'm having a very hard time deciding how to describe my dad. He is an amazing father in so many ways. The only times he ever raised his voice to me were when I was disrespectful to my mother. He was the epitome of disciplining and then showing forth an increase of love. I have always known that my dad loves me. He always has time for his family even when was at work until midnight the night before and left for work at 5 that morning. He has always been there when I needed help, and he continues to be there even now when I have been living away from home for nearly two years. His advice is always well thought through, and, when I take the time to listen to it, it always helps me see situations in a clearer light. My dad is an amazing example to me. ...

I don't know whether to end the title with a :) or a :( an ! or a ?. Today is May 4th 2011. Jared got on a plane approximately one hour ago to go back to Salt Lake. In exactly 3 hours and _ minutes I will be on a plane to Salt Lake city then at 1:05 am (yes AM no rest for the wicked?) I will board another plane to Atlanta. From Atlanta I fly to Belize City arriving at 11:11 am (Do I get a wish?). The next four months of my life will be spent there. I'm terrified and excited and terrified, and curious, and terrified, and pumped. Did I mention terrified? Just so y'all (yes I just used that word (?) in a blog post, Jared is getting to my grammar) can keep track I'll include a countdown to when I get home, well back to Salt Lake and Provo, on August 24th. Free Disney Tickers

As all of you know, I'm going to Belize this summer with HELP International. I want to be able to share my experiences with anyone who wants to hear so I need a public blog (this one is private). I've created a new blog that I will be using to document my time in Belize. The site is http://youbetterbelizeit-marin.blogspot.com/   Feel free to share this with anyone who might be interested, post it on facebook, send mass emails... Just kidding, but seriously, anyone who seems interested is welcome to check this blog out. I'll still be posting anything more personal here, but Belize specific events will go on the other blog.

Spring is in the air! I'm so glad that spring is finally mostly here. This last week has been quite warm here in Provo. We've had a few rainy days, but it hasn't been freezing cold. Yesterday it was cloudy most of the day, but it was still warm enough that Jared and I spent more than an hour studying outside. I had to wear my coat ... but I didn't get cold! And, to top it all off, the BYU grounds crew has started putting flowers back in the planting areas. I walked into the HFAC this morning and this is what I saw!  They're so bright and happy that I just had to share.  Happy Spring to everyone!

My mom is the smartest person I know. She might not have the highest degree, or the most academic knowledge. She can't do calculus (but she could if she wanted to), she isn't an engineer. None the less, my mother is the smartest person I know. The thing I appreciate most about her is that she taught me how to think. She taught me to be open to everything and take everything with a grain of salt. She taught me to make my own decisions and have my own opinions even if others (herself included) disagree. My mother loves to learn about academic things, but she also loves to learn about life. The clearest manifestation of my mother's genius is in her writing. Today I received an  email from her with the subject "If I ever blogged I'd blog this...". I would like to share the contents of this e-mail with all of you. (My mom has now begun blogging again. To read it on her blog click here .) The ocean breathes, inhale and exhale. A sweet family trio asks me to take...

And no, I don't expect anyone to actually read it. This is mostly proof that I'm not dead . . . although I should be. The Pride of Orgon             In the play Tartuffe, by Moliere, the most obvious element was the hypocrisy of Tartuffe. When Moliere wrote the play he intended to satirize hypocrisy. However, there are other lessons that can be learned from the characters within this play. Of the other characters, Orgon provided the clearest example. Throughout the play there are dozens of examples of his pride and the trouble that it causes him. His arrogance gets him into trouble at first because he refuses to see what Tartuffe really is. Then, when he can no longer ignore Tartuffe’s treachery, his egotism gets him into even more trouble.             Orgon enters the play during the fourth scene of act one. He asks after Tartuffe and worries about him while ignoring the fa...

My "Completed Tasks" list on Google calendar ... Tuesday, Feb 15 D: Reading W: Reading S: Reading St: 10Intro-10. 7 H: 538-555 Saturday, Feb 12 E: KChapter 9; E: M6-7 St: Assignment 10 Friday, Feb 11 W: Quiz 1 S: Quiz 5 Thursday, Feb 10 W: King Lear Paper Due St: 6Intro-6. 2 W: Reading H: 527-538+ Wednesday, Feb 9 H: 513-525 + E: Assignment 4 Edit Accounting Essay D: Reading W: Reading Tuesday, Feb 8 S: Reading H: Exam E: L16-21 E: KChapter 8 Monday, Feb 7 D: Reading St: 5. 6-5. 8 St: Assignment 9 Sunday, Feb 6 St: 5. 4 S: Reading Saturday, Feb 5 S: Quiz 4 Thursday, Feb 3 S: Reading St: Assignment 8 W: Reading St: 5Intro-5. 3 D: Short Paper 1 Wednesday, Feb 2 E: Assignment 3 St: Exam 1 Tuesday, Feb 1 S: Project 2 Materials D: Reading St: Assignment 7 St: 4. 5-4. 6 W: reading H: 507-513 E: KChapter 7 Monday, Jan 31 S: Pull-on Project done E: KChapter 6 D: Reading S: Quiz 3 Sunday, Jan 30 S: Reading Saturda...

The round of school goes on, and on, and on, and ooonn. Seeing Grandma HB, Teri, Heidi, and little Jack was a nice break on Monday. Mondays are my longest day. I have class nonstop from 8-2 and another one at 4. Tuesdays are supposed to be my "easy" days, but yesterday was anything but. Exhibit A My Schedule Yesterday 5:30 Get up, Get ready 6:40 Jared picks me up and we go to campus (he goes to HFAC to practice) 7ish  Do Econ reading/review D&C reading in JSB 7:56 Hug Jared (who was kind enough to come through the JSB on his way to class) 8:00 D&C class (couldn't concentrate at all, wrote in journal and tried to listen) 8:50 Go sit in Econ class room (JSB auditorium) read more Econ 9:15 Go to Maser to meet Jared after his class (I needed a pick me up), walk back to JSB with him 9:30 Econ class (quite possibly my favorite academic class this semester. Sewing tops it most days.) 10:45 Go to Wilk for devotional 11:45 Buy blue book and pens for test 12:15...

I'm finished! I just put the finishing touches on my Lear essay. Thanks to Mom for editing and giving comments. Thanks to Jared for supporting me as I wrote until 9:30 on Saturday night. King Lear : A Levinasian Approach                 Emanuel Levinas was born and did all of his philosophical work during the nineteen hundreds. King Lear , written by William Shakespeare, was first printed in 1608. Despite being written three hundred years before Levinas’ time, King Lear has a surprising number of connections to Levinasian thought. The central part of Levinas’ philosophy is the concept of the Other and our responsibility to the Other .             Levinas tells us that the call of this responsibility is what enables us to be, ourselves, individual. Hearing that call is what makes us individuals, however, we each have the freedom to choose to ignore that call ...