I have been a picky eater for as long as I can remember. In fact, I am the pickiest person I have ever met. (I've heard of people who were pickier for a while, but not for such an extended period of time.) From as far back as I can remember up until my last year of high school I ate the same things all the time. I took the same thing for lunch every day from kindergarten through high school. My parents didn't understand, but they never tried to force me to eat anything I didn't want to. (Well, except once when I was five or six, and my mom said I couldn't have anything else to eat until I ate a slice of apple. ... I went three days without food and she gave up.) While I have always just said I'm a picky eater, I now believe that I suffer from Cibophobia. Cibophobia is the fear of food. If you'd like, you can read more about it here.
Why was my diet so limited? Why did I refuse to try new things? It was because trying new foods, the thought of putting the food in my mouth, let alone chewing and swallowing was terrifying. I would cry, and gag, and hyperventilate. I call these my panic attacks. I had no specific reasons to be afraid of food. I didn't think that it would hurt me, it was a completely irrational fear, but one that I could not control. My last year of high school I finally decided that I needed to do something about this fear. This was a pretty big step, because up until then I had refused to believe that there was anything wrong with the way I ate, or that there was any possibility that I couldn't just continue this way my entire life. I was finally willing to ask for God's help to do something that I clearly could not do on my own. I prayed, and decided to ask my dad for a blessing. That Sunday was Fast Sunday, so Mom, Dad, and I fasted for me to be able to get over this fear, and after church Dad gave me a blessing. I don't remember what he said, but from that point on I haven't had a single panic attack about food. I am still terrified of trying new foods, and in general I do not like the foods that I try, but I haven't had any more panic attacks. In the three years since then my diet has more than doubled.
Despite my new-found freedom from panic, food still causes me severe anxiety. In my time at BYU I've spent a lot of time explaining my pickiness to friends and acquaintances, and excusing myself from situations where I might have to eat with other people. I refused to see the long term effects my limited diet could have on my future, health wise, socially, and in regards to my future family. Finally at the beginning of this year I began thinking about those consequences. I want to be a mother more than almost anything else. I want to be a good mother, and I have recognized that I cannot do that unless I eat a more healthy and diverse diet. I want my children to be born healthy, and for that to happen I have to be healthy. I want them to eat healthy foods and have healthy bodies. I do not want my children to suffer the same anxiety over food that I do, and I don't want them to be picky eaters and have the same social problems I have had. I would also like to serve a mission, and a big part of that is eating with members and investigators. If I am terrified of the food they put in front of me how am I going to eat it and avoid offending them, let alone have the spirit with me to teach them the gospel? I would also like to live happily for a long time and have my body be healthy enough for me to enjoy life. If I don't take care of it by eating properly then that is not possible.
At BYU they offer free counseling and psychological services to students. I had been seeing a counselor to talk about some other things, but I had never though to talk to him about my problem with food. One day it came up through another topic, and he told me that there are things we can do to help me get over this anxiety, but I needed to decide if that was what I really wanted. I debated and prayed, and fought the anxiety I felt about trying to overcome this problem, and eventually I decided that the reasons I mentioned above were compelling enough for me to want to do something about my phobia. The next time we met we talked about my anxiety. He explained that my anxiety is a "conditioned response". That means that I somehow began associating food with something anxious, and that is why food now makes me anxious. He said that the fear is a good thing because it is designed to protect us. We are naturally afraid of things that could cause us harm. He suggested that the only reason to feel anxious is because you are in danger. The only thing that can really threaten a human is another human. Thus, any time I feel anxious I should look around and ask myself, "Who's trying to kill me?". Obviously the answer will always be no one, and thus my anxiety should subside. However, my fear of food, and the anxiety this causes me is irrational.
The best way to overcome anxiety and fear is by facing it, and by putting yourself in a situation where you have to deal with that fear and prove to yourself just how irrational it is, and that you aren't really in any danger. He came up with a couple of ways to do that. During the appointment we worked on imagining putting foods that I am afraid of in my mouth. I would close my eyes, put the food in my mouth, and then hold it there while telling myself that this is not scary, it's just a hassle. It was remarkable how much anxiety just imagining putting food in my mouth caused, but it was even more remarkable how quickly I felt better. He asked me to make a list of all of the foods I dislike and/or am afraid of. (I still need to do that, but it's going to be a very long list.) He then told me every day, several times a day, I should imagine putting a scary food in my mouth and just holding it there. He also said that at least once a day I should pick a food that scares me (preferably a cheap one), and buy it. Then I should take a bite of it and put it in my mouth and just hold it there. Purposefully allowing/causing myself to feel anxious. I should keep the food there as long as I could stand repeating to myself that this is not scary it's just a hassle. Then when I couldn't stand it any more or when the anxiety subsided I could spit the food out and be done.
We met on Tuesday, and I didn't try it on Tuesday, but on Wednesday I tried it with apples. It was scary, but I could handle it, and I ended up actually chewing and swallowing to bites of apple. I think that if I keep trying them I might eventually grow to like apples. I forgot (possibly on purpose) to try again on Thursday, but I did it again today. I also decided that I am going to blog about the experiences I have. I'll post what I wrote today later this afternoon. Thank you to all those who are good friends to me. Thank you for being patient with my food problem. Thank you for supporting me as I've slowly tried to change. Please continue to be patient, and supportive. Some of you might be receiving gifts of partially eaten food that is about to go bad. I really want to overcome this fear and be more prepared for my future.
Why was my diet so limited? Why did I refuse to try new things? It was because trying new foods, the thought of putting the food in my mouth, let alone chewing and swallowing was terrifying. I would cry, and gag, and hyperventilate. I call these my panic attacks. I had no specific reasons to be afraid of food. I didn't think that it would hurt me, it was a completely irrational fear, but one that I could not control. My last year of high school I finally decided that I needed to do something about this fear. This was a pretty big step, because up until then I had refused to believe that there was anything wrong with the way I ate, or that there was any possibility that I couldn't just continue this way my entire life. I was finally willing to ask for God's help to do something that I clearly could not do on my own. I prayed, and decided to ask my dad for a blessing. That Sunday was Fast Sunday, so Mom, Dad, and I fasted for me to be able to get over this fear, and after church Dad gave me a blessing. I don't remember what he said, but from that point on I haven't had a single panic attack about food. I am still terrified of trying new foods, and in general I do not like the foods that I try, but I haven't had any more panic attacks. In the three years since then my diet has more than doubled.
Despite my new-found freedom from panic, food still causes me severe anxiety. In my time at BYU I've spent a lot of time explaining my pickiness to friends and acquaintances, and excusing myself from situations where I might have to eat with other people. I refused to see the long term effects my limited diet could have on my future, health wise, socially, and in regards to my future family. Finally at the beginning of this year I began thinking about those consequences. I want to be a mother more than almost anything else. I want to be a good mother, and I have recognized that I cannot do that unless I eat a more healthy and diverse diet. I want my children to be born healthy, and for that to happen I have to be healthy. I want them to eat healthy foods and have healthy bodies. I do not want my children to suffer the same anxiety over food that I do, and I don't want them to be picky eaters and have the same social problems I have had. I would also like to serve a mission, and a big part of that is eating with members and investigators. If I am terrified of the food they put in front of me how am I going to eat it and avoid offending them, let alone have the spirit with me to teach them the gospel? I would also like to live happily for a long time and have my body be healthy enough for me to enjoy life. If I don't take care of it by eating properly then that is not possible.
At BYU they offer free counseling and psychological services to students. I had been seeing a counselor to talk about some other things, but I had never though to talk to him about my problem with food. One day it came up through another topic, and he told me that there are things we can do to help me get over this anxiety, but I needed to decide if that was what I really wanted. I debated and prayed, and fought the anxiety I felt about trying to overcome this problem, and eventually I decided that the reasons I mentioned above were compelling enough for me to want to do something about my phobia. The next time we met we talked about my anxiety. He explained that my anxiety is a "conditioned response". That means that I somehow began associating food with something anxious, and that is why food now makes me anxious. He said that the fear is a good thing because it is designed to protect us. We are naturally afraid of things that could cause us harm. He suggested that the only reason to feel anxious is because you are in danger. The only thing that can really threaten a human is another human. Thus, any time I feel anxious I should look around and ask myself, "Who's trying to kill me?". Obviously the answer will always be no one, and thus my anxiety should subside. However, my fear of food, and the anxiety this causes me is irrational.
The best way to overcome anxiety and fear is by facing it, and by putting yourself in a situation where you have to deal with that fear and prove to yourself just how irrational it is, and that you aren't really in any danger. He came up with a couple of ways to do that. During the appointment we worked on imagining putting foods that I am afraid of in my mouth. I would close my eyes, put the food in my mouth, and then hold it there while telling myself that this is not scary, it's just a hassle. It was remarkable how much anxiety just imagining putting food in my mouth caused, but it was even more remarkable how quickly I felt better. He asked me to make a list of all of the foods I dislike and/or am afraid of. (I still need to do that, but it's going to be a very long list.) He then told me every day, several times a day, I should imagine putting a scary food in my mouth and just holding it there. He also said that at least once a day I should pick a food that scares me (preferably a cheap one), and buy it. Then I should take a bite of it and put it in my mouth and just hold it there. Purposefully allowing/causing myself to feel anxious. I should keep the food there as long as I could stand repeating to myself that this is not scary it's just a hassle. Then when I couldn't stand it any more or when the anxiety subsided I could spit the food out and be done.
We met on Tuesday, and I didn't try it on Tuesday, but on Wednesday I tried it with apples. It was scary, but I could handle it, and I ended up actually chewing and swallowing to bites of apple. I think that if I keep trying them I might eventually grow to like apples. I forgot (possibly on purpose) to try again on Thursday, but I did it again today. I also decided that I am going to blog about the experiences I have. I'll post what I wrote today later this afternoon. Thank you to all those who are good friends to me. Thank you for being patient with my food problem. Thank you for supporting me as I've slowly tried to change. Please continue to be patient, and supportive. Some of you might be receiving gifts of partially eaten food that is about to go bad. I really want to overcome this fear and be more prepared for my future.
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