Green Beans

I wrote this yesterday, but forgot to post it, so just remember it's one day off.

I tried green beans today. The apples yesterday weren’t so bad, but the green beans brought me almost to tears.

As I opened the can and put them in a Tupperware to microwave I could feel the anxiety building inside me. I repeated to myself, “No one is trying to kill me. I should not feel anxious. This is not harmful or frightening it’s just a hassle. This is just annoying not terrifying.” When the beans were warm I got out a fork, and speared a good mouthful of the beans. I could feel panic rising as I brought the beans to my mouth, so I gave up and put the fork back down. I tried three more times, once I even got the fork all the way into my mouth. Eventually I pushed a few beans of the fork so it was a smaller/less intimidating amount. I once again repeated my mantra, “No one is trying to kill me. I should not feel anxious. This is not harmful or frightening it’s just a hassle. This is just annoying not terrifying.” Then I quickly put the beans in my mouth. Tears came to my eyes, but I held them back along with the instinct to panic, and began my mantra again. “No one is trying to kill me. I should not feel anxious. This is not harmful or frightening it’s just a hassle. This is just annoying not terrifying. Do not panic.” Slowly, the panic receded, and I decided I just wanted the beans out of my mouth as fast as possible. I knew that I was supposed to just keep them there and let my anxiety subside and then I could spit them out, but I decided that chewing and swallowing would be an acceptable substitute. I chewed, repeating my mantra as I began to feel more anxious again. “This is not frightening it is just a hassle. I just want these beans out of my mouth.” And then it was over. After swallowing I felt better and the anxiety subsided. I think one bite is enough for today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do it twice.