Thursday was a pretty bad day for me. I was feeling really anxious so concentrating at work was really difficult.
*Explaining those conditions would take too many words so just imagine or extrapolate for yourselves.*
I also felt like I was being attacked in that I couldn't do anything right and everyone felt the need to tell me what I'd done wrong.
*Once again I could go into a description of the spiralling thoughts, but that is not the point of this story.*
Adding to the previous points I was also worried because I'm scheduled to take the audit section of the CPA exam on Saturday (tomorrow) and I really didn't feel prepared or able to put in the time to study without having a full on meltdown.
Forward to me getting up the courage to email my manager and ask if I could change my PTO (paid time off), which was scheduled for next Monday and Tuesday, to this Friday and next Friday. Now I know it sounds like a simple thing, and I had perfectly good reasons that the change should be fine, but to me it was terrifying. Then the worst possible thing happened. She didn't respond to my email! I would have even preferred a harsh shut down saying that I shouldn't be taking PTO right now anyway because my utilization is to low. Anything but no response after all that stress.
Finally around 8:00 pm I decided the best thing for me to do was go to bed as usual.
*Yes I start getting ready for bed at 8 pm most nights. I'm not going to explain right now.*
I followed my nightly routine and did my favorite evening yoga video in Grokker. I was mostly successful at focusing on my breathing or the sensations on my skin or the stretching of my muscles instead of the panic that wanted to overwhelm me or the frustration at the normal noises of my roommates. After my mini meditation and gratefulness list I knelt by my bed to pray.
I begged Heavenly Father to just help me not feel so horrible the next day. I asked Him to give me focus and calm and strength to be able to think through my tasks at work without panicking and nor feel like everything I thought about doing was probably wrong. I asked him for the strength and focus and impetus to spend enough time studying that I could pass my exam the next day. Finally I got in bed and went to sleep.
Now, no miracles happened during the night, but I did sleep soundly for just over eight hours, and I woke up feeling cautiously optimistic.
*I feel like that's a cliche phrase, but it fits what I was feeling the best.*
I followed my morning routine (including once again paying for all the things I mentioned above) and got ready for work. After I finished breakfast I felt like I should check my work email before I went in. When I opened it I was amazed to see an email that my manager had sent at 11:45 pm the night before granting my request. She also said we'd discuss my to-do list on Monday which caused a twinge of (probably unnecessary) anxiety, but that is not the point.
I immediately realized that God had answered at least part of my prayer in the best possible way! I got the reprieve I was seeking to spend the day studying, but I was also already up and completely ready for the day. My Heavenly Father knows me perfectly, and He knew that after such an anxiety filled day if I knew I had the day off I was likely to give myself a pass to sleep in or put off getting ready and starting the day. He knew that I would then feel guilty which would trigger anxiety and more procrastination and that I would likely not get any studying done. Instead, I was up, dressed, breakfast eaten, and ready to have a productive, stress free day.
I often feel like God isn't answering my prayers (especially when it comes to my anxiety) even though I know he probably is and I just need to learn to listen better. Today was a reminder to me that He is always listening and He does know what will make me the most happy. I know I will have more hard times, but now I also have this shining moment of testimony to strengthen me through them.
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