I'm the Best

The closing night of the Savior of the World production that I was a part of was last Friday. I've really felt a sense of family and comfort with the cast and crew throughout the rehearsals and performances and I wasn't ready to let go. After our final performance we all worked together to take down the set and clean up the stage area. It took a while, and I was grateful since I didn't really want to leave. After we were done there were a few people still there the adults and YSAs (young single adults) were standing around talking, but I opted to play tag and a few other games with the kids instead. Really it’s just easier for me to interact with kids because all they expect of me is my attention and a sense that I actually care about them. (Adults are much more complicated.) Finally parents called to their kids and everyone started to leave. As I was walking out our set guy asked for someone to come back and lock the gate behind him after he pulled the truck out. I was happy for any excuse to not leave the feelings of the production behind so I volunteered. One of the YSAs I was walking with very sincerely said, "Marin, you're the best." I responded that if that were true my life would be a lot different right now. 

Why would I say such a thing? Well, I thought that if I was "the best" surely I'd be married by now. I thought that if I was "the best" then I wouldn't have anxiety because I'd be able to overcome it or God would heal me of it. But I'm not married, and I do struggle with anxiety. So clearly I cannot be "the best."

As I thought further about my automatic self-deprecating thoughts I realized how wrong they are. First off, I know many people, men and women, whom I would classify as "the best" who are not married (including the YSA who said I was the best). The fact that I am not married yet is a product of the circumstances of my life so far and God's plan for me. It does not mean that I am somehow lacking. 

As for the anxiety, that is also a result of my life circumstances and God's plan for me. I'm working on overcoming my anxiety and getting better at it all the time. I know that God could heal me any time if He wanted, but He hasn't yet. That is because it's not part of His plan for me yet, not because I lack the faith to be healed or I'm not good enough. 

I did a lot to help take down the set. I played with the kids and helped them have fun and feel loved. I volunteered to help when I didn't have to. I guess my friend was right. I am the best.